Koob Post 4: 2/10/19
I knew this was my only chance to get out of this situation. I remember looking at her, crying and telling her I was not going to get out of the car. I was not going to go to school and live through another day of people harassing me for no reason. She continually told me it was time to get out and I disagreed right back refusing to get out of the car. This resulted in a phone call to my parents and them becoming quite angry with me. At this point, I was just happy I did not have to go to school. I had another day of freedom from faking who I was and walking on egg shells around anyone who intimidated me. I could try, and be me, for a day.
After arriving in California, while biting my nails and shaking at the thought of how disappointed my parents would be in me the whole way there; it was time to meet up with them.
Lets just say, they were not happy. My parents are not the type to get angry and aggressive with punishments but I have learned that disappointing them hurts just as much or more.
Something I never want to do is let my parents down or those who have truly been there for me and support me in all things I believe in and do.
I ended up having privileges cut and was not allowed to participate in certain activities. At this age, I just became angry. I wanted to rebel and thought my parents and family would never understand the way I was feeling and fully accept who I was. Having one sister and four older brothers, one being twenty years older than me, didn’t leave me with the closest relationships that I wish I had.
I was looked at as the spoiled kid. The one who got everything she wanted and didn’t understand what it was like to be a “decent” and “conservative” person. I was and am constantly told that my nieces and nephews are looking up to me and will follow in the decisions I make and listen to the opinions I have and my concerns. You know what I say to that? Good. And thank you.
I would like my nieces and nephews and even family to look up to me as someone who was able to fight their battles untraditionally. Someone who did anything they could to get to their happy place and continue to believe in the people around them that one day they would believe and support this also. I want to be the Aunt, Sister, Cousin, Daughter, Friend and one day, wife and mother, that all can look to as a person who wants to achieve happiness and has not given up on that and never will. Someone, who will not judge and is here to listen and give the best advice that you can take or leave, without judgement.
Throughout my life, often, and I mean often, I felt judged and not accepted by so many people around me. I never felt enough and that everything I did was a let down or caused disappointment in people. I was just trying to be me. I spent nights praying of acceptance from my family and that I could finally just feel that I fit in somewhere.
I have always said that no one in this world is the same. We will never, ever, all agree and have the same mindset on things. I do not wish to spend my energy on arguing and putting others down like so many thrive on doing in this toxic society daily.
All I have ever wished and wanted is for acceptance. Prayers are constantly said for the assumptions and rumors to disappear. I wish for the ones around me to take time to see me for me. From the inside to the unique, crazy ideas or generosity I have to offer and give.
Many relationships have been torn apart by the negativity most chose to associate with me. Besides the unfortunate "friends" that have come into my life and broke me; unrealistic relations were often created with the family I was fortunate to be blessed with as well. I just wanted to fit in. Soon I realized that I am not able to 100% fit in. Because I am different. And again, that is okay. I am unique and passionate about things most are not. I choose to be kind and giving, even though most the time that is not returned.