The hands on the clock seem to be in fast forward. My bed and room are the safest place. The world continues to be filled with more hate and judgement. As my body, comfortably sinks into the sheets, the question of "when did i get this old?" or "where did time go?", is a never-ending thought circling most everyones minds.
Suddenly, sadness and memories flood the brain. Like a million rivers crossing one another, not sure which way to flow next. Then we come to realize, there is no possible way to turn back. Time is going to continue on. So the moments and memories created, are life steps to be thankful for. A journey has been created and planned. The next step is to trust and most of all, not worry about an unknown future.
Twenty three is a young age to be. But I feel older than ever. The scars on my skin don't vanish as fast. Responsibility is a top priority. Failing is not an option. Time can not be wasted on tears shed or feelings fully expressed. "Because we have to be adults," "we must act like an adult to earn respect." I thought the world had a goal to be yourself and for everyone to respect and accept each individual person no matter what. Again, not only me, but I am sure most of you are confused.
Growing up, my insecurities were through the roof. I let them more than take control and instigate who I pretended to be. Not only high school, but school in general, felt like one of the main and most powerful burdens. The most uncomfortable feeling of being forced to sit in a room, with people secretly judging you, with absolute no concentration or focus on the main reason you are isolated to this situation. Are we really here to learn or spend an hour in different rooms worrying about who is going to pick on me next; or even worse, who am i going to pick on next?
Society thrives on the destruction of others. No human will ever admit this. It is disgusting. It is true. It is unfortunate and sad. Instead of wasting moments to plan the downfall of another; what are all of you protesters trying to accomplish? Days and even years are spent on rioting, fighting, arguing with anyone who does not agree. The seconds that are quickly passing by are overpowered by selfishness. Is there a point you are trying to get across? We all believe in different things but some beliefs are taken over by taking someone else down to feel better about yourself.
Something I like to remind myself of is what I am 100% fighting for and show, without doubt, my honest and curious mind and goals I would like to achieve. The journey of getting through those times was one of my main priorities at the time. I had a goal to get out of that situation and be independent and on my own. Far away from people and places that made me angry, sad and extremely depressed. Many counselors had the privilege of meeting me. Attempting to get to know my insides and change the person I struggled to be by overcoming and forgiving any past obstacles. There seemed too many to get through. I would rather run and escape the toxic situation that was never going to change.
Seventh grade was the start of being bullied. I have learned now that not only myself, but my parents have been taken advantage of numerous times. Sometimes, the evil of the world will take over the kind hearts willing to forgive and forget. And something we wonder is why our world is "so messed up" or full of negativity. That could because evil over humbleness is chosen. This is also something no one wants to admit and proves more that evil is in control. It is up to you, me and us to choose that differently. Be the bigger and most of all, kind person.
There are so many different "friends" that have adventured into my life. Unfortunately, most have taken advantage and disrespected the fortune or love my family and I constantly provide. I am still on a path to find a friend, and a husband, who will be truthful, kind, loving, giving, accepting and will never turn their head away. Moments have made a mark where someone new is introduced but 99% of the time, the promised friendship ends up in lies and disrespect. This is something that is too complex to comprehend. Why would someone create endless hate and anger towards people only trying to support and trust in you? Of course.. They chose evil.